As children, hopefully, we were taught that feelings exist and that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with them. However, one aspect of feelings that is rarely taught is how fleeting and temporary they are.
We Often Run From Certain Feelings
We have all had the experience of running from a certain feeling. Perhaps you avoid a situation out of fear that you will have some negative emotional experience.
Maybe you avoid getting on stage for fear of rejection or embarrassment. Maybe you want to say something brave to your boss or your partner, but you hold back. You might refrain from sharing your ideas to save yourself from the possibility of being disappointed by their reaction.
Why do we run?
What’s happening here is that you are unwittingly letting your emotions make the rules. You are giving your emotions a lot of power that is frankly undeserved.
It is important to recognize that feelings are neither good nor bad. They just are. And even more important is to realize that feelings are temporary. They are like clouds. They come up, they take shape…and if we let them, they pass right on through.
8 Ways to Befriend Your Feelings
In this video series, you will learn eight ways to manage strong feelings so that you can be more mindful and intentional about your choices and outcomes.
1. Watch your worries
The first feeling you may be battling is worry. I think almost everyone has tried to fight off some worries but to no avail.
Worry is different and more important to acknowledge than some other feelings. Why? Because worry is like a gate that is standing guard at the gate of our hearts. Generally, worry doesn’t travel alone. There are other feelings waiting there behind the gate.
Want to let those worries drift by like a fluffy cloud? Find out how in this video.
2. Practice self-compassion
New research shows that having a practice of self-compassion can be the key that unlocks the door to wellness and self-esteem. Yet, self-compassion is not our natural state. How do we get there?
We need to learn to talk to ourselves as we would a friend. Learn how in this video. This one is focused on self-compassion for moms, but this practice can work for anyone, whether you have kids or not. We all need self-compassion.
3. Let go of disappointment
Perhaps you have noticed that sometimes life just doesn’t go the way you want it to, no matter how hard you try, no matter who you are, no matter what positive belief you have.
It’s interesting how often we fall into this trap of expecting situations to turn out just as we think they should. Then, when they don’t, we are even a bit surprised. However, this is a limiting and self-defeating way of looking at life.
We have to look around us and remember that life will unfold naturally, all by itself, without our approval or permission. Now, are you allowed to be disappointed sometimes? Of course. You are human.
It’s normal to be upset when things don’t go our way. However, we must take a minute to notice that this is just how life is. As soon as we accept this fact, we can start to feel happier and more optimistic. Find out how in this video.
4. Accept unmet expectations
As a member of a family, you may have encountered many unmet expectations.
Maybe you took off for a trip to see family for the holidays. Everything was perfect in your mind. You arrive, and BAM! You are hit with a whole slew of situations you didn’t expect.
Life is like that, but it’s human nature to take these moments in and feel sad, down, or even depressed over them. To work on this, check out this video about dealing with unmet expectations.
5. Handling burnout
If you are a hard worker who really cares about your job, it is fairly likely you have run into burnout at some point in your career.
In my experience, it starts with ‘burning the candle at both ends.’ You try to do everything for everyone all the time, but you forget one important person: yourself.
Fortunately, there’s a lot you can do about burnout, and it doesn’t require any drastic measures. You don’t have to run off on vacation or a wellness retreat to recoup from burnout. Learn a great technique that you can do this week in this video.
6. Let your wizard brain take the wheel
In psychology, we have learned that your brain has two distinct functions.
The ancient part of our brain is deep inside the brain, controlled by the limbic system. It acts on instinct and emotion. We call this your lizard brain. There is nothing wrong with this part. The lizard brain is what you need if you are running from a bear, putting out a fire, or fleeing to safety during a flash flood. In these situations, you don’t want to stop and think. You want to act immediately and instinctually.
Then, there’s another part: our wizard brain. This part is newer in our evolutionary history, and it is where we do our problem-solving and planning. With our wizard brain, we can think of clever things to say and come up with creative solutions.
Both parts of your brain are useful in different situations. When it comes to making decisions about our health, though, we want to put the wizard brain in charge. Learn how to do that in this video.
7. Allow feelings to pass
Did anyone ever tell you as a child that your thoughts were like clouds?
For most households, this is an unlikely topic. Most of us don’t even hear much about how to effectively manage our emotions until we are adults.
What generally happens is that we are inadvertently taught to see some feelings as bad and some as good. We try hard to resist the bad feelings and embrace the good ones. We think so long as we have more good feelings than bad, we are generally pretty happy.
Unfortunately, this is a recipe for disaster. This is simply not how feelings work.
Not every feeling needs to be expressed, but they all need to be acknowledged. If we allow our feelings to come up, they are just like clouds. We see them come up and take a certain shape. Maybe the clouds send us a message about what kind of weather we are about to have. If we just wait for a bit, that cloud passes by, and a new one takes its place.
Your feelings are the same way. Although the video here is geared toward parents, this concept is something every single person needs to know. Learn about your feeling clouds in this video.
8. Repair the rupture
In life, big feelings happen. Even if you are self-aware and mindful, your feelings will sometimes come rushing up out of nowhere.
What happens next really dictates the outcome. You may lash out at a loved one, yell at your spouse, criticize your child, or make harsh comments to a coworker.
That is called a ‘relationship rupture’. A rupture is a strong emotional moment between two people that leaves one or both of them feeling hurt, unheard, or extremely upset.
This is totally normal. It happens. But what must happen next if you want this relationship to grow closer is a ‘repair process.’ When relationships fall apart, it is almost always because there are too many ruptures without repair. One or both people feel criticized, blamed, or rejected.
How do you deal with this? You need to repair the rupture. Go to the person who was hurt during the interaction and own your behavior. Come to your loved one with an open mind and a willingness to hear how they felt in that situation.
You will find that these ruptures with repairs bring you closer together. In this video, we discuss rupture and repair in parenting, but this applies to any relationship. Watch this video to see how to enact this important practice in your relationships.
Congratulations!
You just did the important work of examining your feelings and emotional experiences. We learned the two most important aspects of feelings. 1. Feelings are neither good nor bad. 2. Feelings are temporary. Just like clouds in the sky, feelings will pass right by if you let them.
We learned how common it is to have a hard time with unmet expectations. We learned how to deal with the inevitable setbacks and disappointments in life.
Finally, we discussed how important it is to repair any relationship wounds that can arise when your strong feelings run amok. Now, you are aware that feelings do not have so much power over us and our decisions. We can learn how to respond to them, acknowledge them, and let them go. Great work!