What is Healthy Self-Esteem?
Healthy self-esteem is a positive and realistic attitude toward yourself.
It involves recognizing your worth, feeling capable and competent, and having a generally positive view of yourself.
When you have healthy self-esteem, you are able to accept yourself, including your strengths and weaknesses, without constantly feeling the need to seek validation from others.
You can also set boundaries, assert yourself when necessary, and confidently pursue your goals. Healthy self-esteem contributes to mental and emotional well-being, resilience in the face of challenges, and healthy relationships with others.
How to Build Self-Esteem
You can take concrete steps to build your self-esteem. Here are some clinician-supported ways to think of yourself with a positive and realistic attitude. Having a healthy self-esteem has many benefits.
Pay attention to your thoughts
The way we speak to ourselves affects how we feel about ourselves. Often, our thoughts are happening automatically and unconsciously.
Take these three steps to pay attention to your thoughts
First step: pause
Pause and notice your thoughts. Recognize how you are speaking to yourself. Notice how you are talking to others in your mind. Are you speaking kindly to yourself or others in your thoughts?
Second step: reflect
If you speak unkindly to yourself, reflect on the source of your harsh self-talk. Is it a repeat of words you heard from another? Is it a belief that you must be hard on yourself to be productive? Is it fear?
Once you have identified the source of your negative self-talk, ask yourself if you can let it go.
Focusing on negative words from another person or the past is not helping you in this moment.
Third step: question
Ask yourself if there is a more realistic thought you can have. For example, if you are not feeling good enough, is there a way you can relieve the pressure on yourself through your thoughts?
If this process feels too hard, it can help sometimes to acknowledge the thoughts and let them be without letting them get the best of you.
Keep in mind
If you find yourself angry and upset with another person in your thoughts, and it takes up a lot of mental space, ask yourself what you need. The only person you have control over is yourself. If someone else is taking up a lot of negative space, talk with a friend or find the help of a trusted therapist.
Surround yourself with supportive people
Self-esteem starts with you. Notice how you feel when you are interacting with others throughout your day. Do you feel supported?
You may not be able to control everyone in your life. If someone close to you constantly puts you down or leaves you feeling lousy, these interactions can impact your self-esteem.
If you are experiencing hurtful or harmful negativity from someone in your life, think about how you can get some space from that person.
It can help to build up the positive connections you have in your life.
Here is how you can build up these connections. Think about the people you interact with at work. Whose company do you enjoy? Take some time to get to know them better. You could connect over coffee or go for a walk together at lunch.
Also, think of other places for positive connection, such as a parent group, a workout class, or a neighbor.
You have limited time. Take time to nurture positive and healthy connections in your life.
Practice having healthy boundaries
A boundary is what is OKAY with you and what is not OKAY with you. You are practicing healthy boundaries when your yes means yes and your no means no.
We can feel disconnected from ourselves and others when we have poor boundaries. Poor boundaries can also leave us feeling upset with ourselves and others.
Boundaries can feel scary as we may fear disappointing others, not feeling understood or heard, or being excluded if we have boundaries.
The first thing to know about boundaries is you only have control over how you set a boundary. You do not have control over how someone else will respond.
If boundaries have been a struggle for you, start with people who are easier to set boundaries with and work your way up to the harder people in your life.
Align your values with your actions
To build your self-esteem, take time to reflect on what matters most to you. Here is a list of common values to consider.
Select your top five values from this list, or create your own
- Innovation: Encouraging creativity and new ideas to improve an outcome
- Community: Seeking a sense of belonging and contributing to the welfare of others within a group
- Spirituality: Seeking for meaning beyond yourself
- Religion: Adhering to a religious framework that is of importance to you
- Health: Prioritizing physical, mental, and emotional well-being
- Wealth: Prioritizing the accumulation of money and assets to achieve financial security and freedom
- Financial independence: Striving for a state in which you have sufficient personal wealth to live without having to work actively for basic necessities
- Legacy: Desiring to be remembered and to leave something behind that continues to influence others after your death
- Security: Prioritizing a stable and safe environment, which often involves financial stability
- Success: Aiming to achieve high levels of accomplishment in one’s personal or professional endeavors, which can include financial, artistic, or academic success
- Travel: Valuing the experience of visiting new places and cultures to broaden your perspectives, gain new experiences, or simply enjoy different environments
- Adventure: Seeking thrilling and exciting experiences that involve some degree of risk or challenge
- Peace: Seeking inner tranquility and external environments that promote peace, such as quiet natural settings or serene retreats
- Freedom: Cherishing the ability to explore and move about freely
- Personal growth: Cherishing personal development, learning new insights about yourself, and making changes to improve your life and those around you
- Cultural appreciation: Recognizing and respecting the richness of diverse cultures and embracing the educational opportunities that arise from engaging deeply with them
- Hard work: Committing to putting in the effort required to achieve goals
- Family: Prioritizing the needs of family members by spending time with those you love and cherish
Make a plan to prioritize your values
Now, take some time to make a plan for prioritizing your values. Think about why these five values matter the most to you.
Align your actions with your values. For example, if family is one of your top values, you may want to learn about communication strategies that foster and improve your communication and connection with family members. It may also mean scheduling time with your family weekly when they are your main focus.
Research shows that people who live out their values are happier and more fulfilled.
When another expresses gratitude for you, pause and accept
Taking in gratitude matters. If you struggle with self-esteem, you may not notice the good you contribute to the world. Your focus may be more on the negative. Taking a moment to acknowledge the good can help build your self-esteem.
Do you struggle to accept other people’s gratitude? If so, practice saying thank you when someone gives you a compliment or expresses gratitude.
You may realize you often negate compliments by saying, “It wasn’t a big deal,” or “So-and-so did it better.” You may find yourself giving the compliment back to the receiver.
If you can, pause momentarily, say thank you, and then let the conversation continue.
It can help when you are alone to take a moment to appreciate the moment. For example, after you finish texting, take a moment to read the text and appreciate the compliment. If you are leaving an event, take a deep breath before you start your car. Allow yourself to receive the moment of gratitude fully.
Have gratitude for yourself
Take time to reflect and say thank you for what is going well in your life. If you are struggling with self-esteem, it can really help to take time to thank yourself. This practice helps you notice when you are taking a positive action.
When you notice these moments, try showing gratitude
- Paying the bills on time
- Making dinner for yourself and your family
- Going grocery shopping
- Noticing how good your body feels with a stretch
- Calling a friend back
- Drinking water
- Being on time
- Taking your dog for a walk
- Making a great point at a meeting
- Putting great effort toward a project
- Getting enough sleep
- Going for a walk
Healthy self-esteem is having a balanced view of yourself. It is being able to recognize your strengths and weaknesses. It is valuing yourself as much as you value other people in your life. When you have healthy self-esteem, you can show up better for people.
Learn More with Cadey
You can learn more about the ideas mentioned in this post in your Cadey mobile app. We have additional resources within the Cadey platform to support you. Working on developing healthy self-esteem can benefit you and those with whom you interact. It is worth the effort, and Cadey is here to help.